Archive for August, 2008

Beach baby

 

I have decided that the weather here isn’t rainy enough, so I am going to visit a friend and then hurricane chasing in South Carolina. Be back in 2 weeks. Enjoy the rest of summer! xoxo

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Ugh. Perfectionist!

I am massacring this blog.

Stop before I delete again…

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My first friend… Memory fragments

She takes my little red coat and hangs it on the hook in the hallway. I am three and she is my first friend. She always meets me outside the classroom door and takes me by the hand into the classroom. I am shy and timid by nature, and although I love school, I am often afraid to walk through the door. When Nanny walks me to preschool, she always smiles to see her. She is happy that this little girl will not let me hang back in the corner. I am young, and although I am hesitant, I possess an open lovingness of everyone. She cheats at Candy Land, and I stare wide-eyed and shocked. She isn’t like me, and right away I sense our differences: She doesn’t yearn to please in the same way that I do. She intrigues me.

 

Every summer, we play at the park. I live in the little brown house with the pink fence that is right next to the soccer field, and she lives across from the swings. We pump our legs and imagine that we can fly. She is better at it than I am; Even then, I am uncoordinated and don’t possess much physical strength. One day I bring stamps to the park, and we pretend we are pirates and bury the treasure. As we get older, we become more adventurous: We run up the slide, and I watch breathless as she climbs on top of the bar that holds the tire swing.

 

Over the years, we learn about the world from one another. I love reading and writing, and share the treasures I glean from within the pages. She is bold, but more sheltered and innocent. I am old for my age and feel as though I must always act as an adult. Sometimes it is hard for me to relate to other children, and I cling to her because I feel different. She normalizes me, and I challenge her to grow. We complement one another, and she makes me feel safe.

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Thoughts on dying

I like it when it rains at night. The upside of a dreary summer is crisp nights where the rain falls, cleansing and soothing, outside my window while I am safe in my bed. I like to think that the sky is singing me a lullaby, softly brushing my tears away with its healing downfall. In those moments, I feel truly in touch with the Earth. No matter how despairing I am and how completely alone I feel, the rain still falls. It is comforting and grounding. In spite of my pain, the world is alive.

Spending time with someone who is dying makes everything seem surreal. I watch him struggle to live through one more hour, one more day, just so he can live his final moments out of the hospital. Suddenly things that were so ordinary become sacred. Precious moments to watch one more sunrise or to hear a child laugh. The things we take for granted become gifts to savor.

He was always there, and just like that, he’ll be gone. He will not be there to see me graduate from university or to meet my children. It’s so strange the way life works. It seems as though we have so much power through medicine, technology, science these days. But still, we can’t stop death. It’s sobering and in a terrible way, somewhat comforting. He will die soon. But the world will still turn, and I will still lie in bed at night and listen to the rain fall.

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Grandpa

I’m sorry I haven’t updated in awhile. I never seem to have the energy to write these days.

But here I am to ask if you could please keep my Grandpa in your prayers and good thoughts.

He’s fading…

Thank you.

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